I was there to teach these young girls about missions, and I was really learning myself about missions.

I didn’t know any missions organizations, so I turned to Google. I did a Google search for missions organizations and that’s where I found the organization that I joined.

It was a mix of good experiences and really difficult experiences.

I left thinking I was going to change the world, but God wanted to change me and change my worldview.

I had conversations with Arabs that were very similar to my conversations at home. These were real people that were normal.

I don’t know how much of it was in my head, and how much of it was actually happening: the idea that men were staring at me.

These people were my place of rest. We didn’t have any money so I would go to their house and eat their cheese. They had nice cheese, I would go to their house and eat their cheese.

One of the most difficult things about reentry is that no one shares your experience.

You feel lonely because you can’t connect to people; I think that’s the hardest part of reentry.

We fell in love over football.

We are both way more gifted in support roles than in evangelism.

People talk about the word calling: Are you called to this, are you called to that? I’m not so crazy about that word because the only thing we are called to do is be faithful to God.

We didn’t have that strong calling to a specific country, but we wanted to go and serve in ways that we felt like God had gifted us.

That program made me feel like my role is not valued.

It made me feel like what I was doing was not enough.

I grew up in an environment where I didn’t learn to deal with my emotions in a healthy way.

I was always asking if I was good enough. Am I funny enough? Am I pretty enough? What do I need to do to be friends with you? I wanted to be popular.

I had a skewed picture of who God is, and I had a skewed picture of who God thinks I am.

The two things she said to me were, what do you believe about God, and What do you believe about yourself?

I felt like I was facing all the emotions of the first 40 years of my life because I had never dealt with anything. My body was compensating for 40 years of things that I had never dealt with. And I was crying all the time.

It takes a lot of courage to be honest with yourself about what’s happening in your life.

What am I telling myself? What is the narrative that’s making me think, “Your ministry sucks because you haven’t talked to people today, or you don’t have a fun story or a dramatic story to tell in your newsletter”?

God’s not looking for numbers.

Even going to a counselor, for some people, is a really difficult thing. “If I go, nobody can know. What if somebody sees me go the door?”

I expected it was just going to happen. And then it didn’t happen. And then it didn’t happen. 

The overarching idea of getting pregnant and being a mom was driving my life. I felt like this was going to be my purpose. But then it never happened.

Eventually, I said, I have to shift my thinking. And it was a big question: what is my purpose if I’m not a mom? It doesn’t happen for five years; you can’t just put your life on hold forever.

Now the ball was in my court and if I do this, I can’t get pregnant. If I do this, it’s over.

Some people ask why haven’t you adopted? And they kind of push that on you, “why don’t you want this? You want this.”